So. I’ve been putting off doing this post for two main reasons. One – even though I’ve been telling myself every day since January 1st that I would start back up with this weight loss thing, I hadn’t started until well, a week ago today. I could give you every excuse in the book, but the truth of it is, I was just lazy and didn’t want to put in the work. And two – because as soon as I make it public, it’s public! The idea of this is super scary for me because I have tried to lose weight since well, fifth grade, and never was able to stick to it long term. So putting this out there makes me feel very vulnerable. But I started this blog to help people, in some way. So if my story can help even one person out there, then I’ve accomplished what I wanted to.
For a little more backstory – I have been overweight since preschool. So essentially 95% of my life. I’ve “started” and “no, really I’m starting” more times than I can even remember. And every time when I eventually hit that “I give up” moment after about 2 to 3 months, I feel really embarrassed and ashamed. I feel like I’m letting down everyone around me. My family, my friends, and most of all myself. I want to prove it to the world and myself that I am capable of doing this. I will say that I was never bullied because of my weight per say, so for that I suppose I’m lucky. That’s not to say though that I wasn’t made to feel inferior or ugly, or that nothing bad was ever said behind my back. When I was younger, I remember people telling me that I’d be prettier if I were thinner and asking me if I knew I was “fat”. I even had girls try and get me to weigh myself in front of them when I’d go over to their house to play. I don’t tell you this to make you feel sorry for me, I tell you because it was my reality. I tell you because I want to help you understand where I’m coming from. Because of things like this and others, I grew up with and still struggle with low confidence and very poor self image. That, among other things, is what I hope to conquer through this weight loss journey.
I can’t explain to you in words how difficult it is to not be able to wear the clothes I want to wear and to not feel pretty or even feminine whenever I go anywhere. Or to walk through life feeling so insecure about every move I make, always thinking people are looking at me and judging me. Truthfully, I end up turning down so many things because I’m embarrassed to even go out into the world, and it just becomes easier to hide away in the safety and comfort of my house. I have wasted so much of my life not truly living, yet always dreaming of what I hope my life will be someday. There is nothing I will ever regret more than that.
You’d think between all of that and how many times I’ve shied away from activities because of my size or been embarrassed because of it throughout my life, that I would’ve just stuck with it and followed through by now. Believe me, I wish I could explain it to you, but truthfully I can’t even explain it to myself. I guess the important thing is that I have yet to completely give up for good. Actually, I don’t think I could ever tell myself to just stop trying. In my heart it would never feel right because I know I have it in me.
Anyways…on a lighter note, a week ago I started up again! And I am proud to report that I have stuck with it longer than I have in I don’t know, a year? Yes, it’s only been a week and I haven’t done perfectly every day (I may or may not have bombed a day in one sitting of Taco Bell), but I’ve stuck with it.
Because I am very overweight, I am starting off with a pretty strict 1,200 calorie a day eating plan. I may not be a professional or a doctor, but I have a good deal of knowledge about basic nutrition and eating clean and healthy from years of research. This is a plan I set up by myself for myself, so it may not work or be healthy for everyone. I’m really trying to focus on low carbs, lots of fresh ingredients, fruits & veggies, high protein, low sugar, you get the picture. It does require a good amount of forethought and planning to create the meals since I’m trying to do three 400 calorie meals a day. Not only do I have to measure out and make sure each meal adds up to 400 calories, but I also am trying to make sure I’m getting enough fruits, veggies and protein in each meal so that I can stay satisfied until the next.
I’ve also been trying to go on walks every day on the paved state trail behind my house. Some days my mom comes with me, and chatting with her ends up passing the time really quickly. Always nice to have a workout buddy! On days she hasn’t been able to though, it’s just as good to bring my iPod along and put on my favorite playlists. In the past, I’ve always started out with really intense workouts from the get go. Unfortunately, while I see results quickly it becomes too hard to stick to because of the difficulty and I give up every time. So this time around, I’m trying a slower approach. I’m simply trying to get myself out for a 45 minute to hour long walk at a good pace. Right now it’s the perfect amount of exercise my body can handle. Enough to get my heart rate up, but not so strenuous that I dread doing it. And two of the days, I walked over 4 miles between two different walks!
So on to this week’s results – I’m down 6 pounds already!! I’m proud of myself definitely and I think I’m off to a great start in this weight loss journey. However, deep down I’m skeptical because I’ve been down this road before quite a few times and was never able to make it all the way. And truthfully, I have a long way to go. I don’t know how far I’ll get this time, but I’m giving this another go and I know where I want to end up. As much as I wish it could happen instantaneously, I know it will be something I will have to battle my entire life. I suppose all I can do is take one step at a time, and trust that if I stick with it long enough I will get there someday. After all, Rome wasn’t built in a day!
Sorry this was so long, but there was lots to share and I am so excited to take all of you with me along this weight loss journey. If anything, you can help give me a kick in the ass when I start slacking!! I know I can do this. I know I can rid myself of this weight (literally and figuratively). This mountain I’ve been carrying all these years, I was only meant to climb. One day I will be free.
Happy Monday lovelies!!